Privacy, Defined by a 10 Year Old

Big G recently had a "talk" with Little Iggy about privacy:

Big G:  Little Iggy, I need to tell mom about what you did last night.  It's all about the importance of privacy.

Little Iggy:  Ok, Big G.

Big G:  See, when the babysitter's here, I don't want you telling her that sometimes I only pretend to brush my teeth before bed.  That's rude and it's an invasion of privacy.

Little Iggy:  But it's true.

Big G:  It doesn't matter if it's true.  My business is MY business and I don't want you sharing it with the sitters anymore.  Do you understand?

Little Iggy:  Aye-Aye, Captain!

Big G:  I'm totally serious!  Mooommmm, she's not taking me seriously!

And while I smirked through the whole conversation, and was impressed that Big G can translate our Vegas rule ("What goes on in Literal Mom household stays in Literal Mom household"), I was struck numb after it hit me.

 

This waterfall reminds me of how information travels on the internet.

photo credit

I can't talk about her anymore.  Because, like that waterfall, talking about her can end up places I didn't originally intend it to go.  

Her privacy, important enough to warrant an 8am Saturday morning conversation with her sister, is certainly important enough to be respected by me in this space.  

But.

I want to talk about her.  I want to emote about all of the things I'm helping her emote about.  

I fear I'll go crazy if I don't share the challenges of tweens with someone.  

I fear, so many days, that I'm not doing the right thing and I want to share my strategies in response to the issues she brings home with her.  

So I can find out if I'm on the right track.

Like so many mothers before me, and no doubt so many after me, I find myself in new, strange territory.  Letting her grow and spread her wings while trying to make sure her roots are deep enough and strong enough to withstand her attempts to learn to fly.

And I want to talk about it.  I want to hear what others have dealt with and how they handled it.  I want affirmation.

But I can't really preach to her the Vegas Rule of our house if I don't follow it here, can I?

"Girls, what goes on in our house stays in our house.  Unless of course I need to blog about it.  If that happens, it's ok.  Ok?"

I know I'm not the first person who's had this particular problem with social media and familial privacy.  I've even talked about the privacy issue before.

But I think I need to try harder.  To give my girls the privacy they need, but still share in a way that helps me work through issues.  And maybe help some of you along the way too.

This is a fine line to walk on.  One of several fine lines I feel like I'm walking on right now.  

Fall, at the moment, is aptly named.  It's something I don't want to do as I continue on this narrow path I've created for myself.

Fall.

Comments

[Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell]

That's a tough one but I'd do exactly as you're doing and respect her privacy. Looking forward to the future, that's the decision you would never regret.

[Theanecdotalbaby.blogspot.com]

This is great. I, too, know the day will come when my daughter's privacy will be of BIG issue. I try, even now, to think how certain things I post on the blog will one day affect her, but you're right, it is a fine line. I think you're doing a great job thus far. I can only imagine it gets tougher as they get bigger and the issues do too... As someone I admire in the blogosphere, I'll be interested to see how you continue to walk the line; a kind of follow-in-the-steps-of-those-who-go-before-me because I've learned (my mom should be so proud!) to learn from those who've been there, done it! Thanks for talking about good issues here!

[Kim]

Tis is a topic that just doesn't stop when they are 18, either. My girls are in their mid- twenties, and I am still very careful what I share, both about them, my hubbie and my family in general. As for my lines, no blog post is worth losing the trust of my family.

I hope you are able to keep walking that line with great success!

[Kim@Co-Pilot Mom]

I think about walking that line, too. I alway want to respect the needs of my family, including their need for privacy. I know it will be something I think about more and more as time goes on.

[Jester Queen]

I always ask my daughter. Sam is still at an age where he doesn't care. I ask him, but it's a formality. Caroline wants me to read what I write about her, and while she's never been uncomfortable with anything yet, I'm sure she will be in the future, and I'll not say it if she feels like that. But there's a difference between not wanting the sitter to know you only pretend to brush (and sorry Big G, but that is NOT privacy, that is manipulating the rule so you don't have to do something that is good for you; little I is not tattling, she is enforcing a rule you don't like; spoken as one who struggles with dental health because she often pretended to brush herself, I say that is one that actually will be a BFD down the line) and not wanting your Mom to brag on you or tell a hilarious story. I would say that you might modify the rule to be "What happens in our family stays in our family unless we all agree it can go outside."

[Jennifer]

I think the key is asking permission. My daughter flat out tells me now if there is something she does NOT want on the internet, and if I have any question about it at all I just ask her and then I respect her request.

[Ilene, The Fierce Diva Guide to Life]

I blog about my oldest girl a LOT, because she is my biggest challenge. But now, this has sparked me to wonder how she would feel one day reading all of those posts? I have to tell you - if she started a blog about ME and what went on in this house sometimes, I would crawl under a rock...this is great food for thought.

[Kate F.]

I try to "blog about things" through my eyes... to tell the story like it is mine. i am at that crossroads too - and i do think about it often. In real life I ALWAYS say that i don't ever want to say something about someone else that I wouldn't say to them in person... and this is the rule that I often live by on my blog - say only what I'm OK saying if I would tell it to anyone. When I write a story which includes my daughter I try to remember this. DISCLAIMER: I am not you. IN OTHER WORDS: Everyone needs to find our own comfort level.... SO HARD. Such a relivent topic. I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments.

P.S. Typing this on my iPad! Sorry if there are multiple spelling mistakes!

[Heather]

I too feel like I am tellling my story when relating stories about my struggles being a mom of tweens. I know my tweens are in them, but mostly it is about how it reflects on me and how I was feeling. I don't specificially ask my children for permission, but they know enough to tell me when they don't want something posted even if it is just an Instagram picture.

It is a slippery slope.

[Connie L]

I really respect you for taking your children's privacy into account. I see so many blogs, especially "mommy blogs," where the mommy airs the whole family's dirty laundry. Certainly as the kids get older they may become more particular about what mom shares online. And don't we teach our children not to share their personal information online? This is a great issue to think about! BTW I have a 12 year old daughter, so I can relate to your tween concerns:)

[Hilljean]

Really really great food for thought! It's so easy to get around this when you just have toddlers, but it's not fair when you follow it through as they grow. I think you're doing the best thing for her by pulling back like that! It's gonna get tricky tho as you keep blogging! Interested to hear more on this!

[Jess]

It is an interesting issue! I don't know what I'd do! Definitely will have to consider her privacy as she requests. It is nice to read about and think about the parenting issues with a tween so it would be hard to completely exclude her. She sounds like a smart little cookie so I guess these are things you can talk to her about too. Tough one.

[Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes]

I'm lucky enough to have kids who are young enough not to care. For them the internet is just a place where you find funny cat video's.
If they request it privacy should be respected. Perhaps you could ask her permission first?

[Jackie]

My kids have never said anything about my writing about them... yet. I'm sure that the day is coming, but then again none of their friends read my blog so it's not to big of a deal if I embarrass them, right?

[angela]

I think it's a fine line, and I know you'll do your best to respect her privacy while still sharing the parts you feel you need to work through. I think you can be slightly vague about the details of her life while still discussing the "issues" at hand. I think. What do I know? I just talked about potty training!

[Laura @ Pruning Princesses]

Maybe I am lucky. My oldest has been editing my posts lately, to practice editing and because she loves to read what I write. So if I am in doubt, I ask and she edits. And she loves affirmation too. I suspect the line you mention, like pregnancy, is different for every one with a few clear, "Um, that's not right." I actually stopped blogging for a while because I could not figure out this line.

[Christine @ Love, Life, Surf]

It's such a fine line but I really admire the way that you handle it MIssy. I know that it's going to get trickier for me as my kids get older and that I do need to start being more cognizant of it now. I try to tell my stories through my lens but I do worry sometimes that when they get older, what happens if a classmate finds them and teases him based on what Mommy said? I know that it will be a constant work in progress.

[Mercy]

I've never given this a thought, but I'm sure it will come up when my kids get older. I may have to rethink my blogs then.

[Mothering From Scratch]

{Melinda} I left a comment, but I guess it didn't post? It was a long one, too. Sheesh! :) If this is a duplicate, you can just delete it.

But the bottom line of what I was saying was that I keep the posts centered on my struggles and teen/tween issues in general ... being careful not to make the kids look bad. I ask them to read the post if I think they might be embarrassed.

We need feedback because the issues get so complex as they get older. But we can damage the very relationships we're trying to strengthen by revealing too much. It's a tricky line, definitely.

[adrienne]

I swear! We share a brain. I'm having the same struggles about what I should/shouldn't share about my kids. I just don't want anything I write about them to ever be misconstrued, taken our of context or anything! Then I wonder if this is just the age we live in. If people really wanted information about my kids, they don't have to go to my blog to find it. Can they just turn on their spy gear and get info from anywhere? Then, I think I must be so naive to think that I shouldn't be more careful. I have no answers. Obviously.

[Leigh Powell Hines @Hinessightblog]

This is a great post, Missy. As always your writing is captivating. As a writer and blogger, this is a hard topic to balance, I think.

[karen]

thanks stopping by my blog. What a great post, I am sure this will be an issue as my son gets older.

[Ginny Marie]

I'm heading more and more into that realm of when do I stop writing about my kids. My oldest is almost 8, and I will probably go in a similar direction in respecting her privacy on my blog.

[Susi]

It is a dilemma and one that has to be tread very carefully. I haven't made it to that impasse yet as my kids like it when I blog about them... but as always only to a certain extent!!! I always keep certain things private. Like you we have a similar rule... what goes on in BocaFrau's house, stays in BocaFrau's house!!! :)

[karen]

oh babe, that's a tough spot, I am sure I will encounter that one day.