Am I the Problem?

(Written one day last week.  I'm better now.  Promise.  It's important, though, to share some of the hard days.  Because every parent alive has days like this, I think.  Parenting can be hard as hell.)

I sit here, trying to recover from a bad moment with my kids tonight.  

A bad couple of hours, actually.

I can look back and see the warning signs throughout the day:

• a stressful situation I'm dealing with on the side (not family related)
• fatigue from an awesome weekend
• feeling the pressure of back-to-school mounting, though I'm trying not to think about it
• kids being kids, who, by the end of the day have worn down my defenses, my patience, and my ability to respond appropriately

I can see all of that, clearly.  But after a stressful car ride, with lots of tears from one child, lots of complete oblivion and silliness from another, and bad responses from me to both, I feel like I failed them.

Again.

But I also don't understand, for the life of me, how they don't recognize the warning signs in a mother who's reached her limit.  

I grew up the youngest of 6, and I learned very fast how to recognize the signs that a parental pressure cooker was getting ready to blow.  Not learning meant you would be in the line of fire.  

Why don't they have that same ability?  

Because there aren't 5 kids older than them to learn from?  

Because I don't show the signs until I'm already snapping?  

Because I don't give them enough information to figure it out?

This post, even as I write it, seems so reminiscent of my PMS post. And yes, my reaction to them today was similar to the situation in that post.  

So maybe it's not just PMS.  Maybe it's stress and fatigue more than anything else.  

Because I am tired.  

And I feel the pressure of a mounting to do list, a stack of "work" in my basket, and 100s of unresponded to emails in my inbox.

And as much as I'm trying to ignore it, I feel the pressure of back to school mounting as well.  

And I'm not ready.  I'm not ready to give them up.  I'm not ready to go back to being an adult all the time, and I'm sure as heck not ready for the hustle and bustle of the school year schedule.  

But I sure could use a few hours to clean up my life.  

Comments

[Christine @ Love, Life, Surf]

I'm sorry but were you just over here at my house? I often wonder how both my husband and kids sometimes don't see the signs before I boil over. OK, my husband maybe recognizes it a few minutes before the kids. Yes, often it is tied to PMS but I think that it's because I'm so tired and worn out. I need a true break - our summer hasn't been much of one yet but I'm hoping to find sometime soon. Thanks for sharing this as it is nice to know that I'm not that only parent out there who feels like this and wonders if they've failed their kids.

[Anne]

There are days that seem to suck the life out of us, aren't there? I'm glad to know though that you're alright. In times like this, it's a comfort to know that everything in this world is temporary.

[Kerry Ann @Vinobaby's Voice]

We've ALL been there. Don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes I think they do it just to see how far they can push us before we teeter off the edge. They will live— and so will you. Deep breath.

[Ilene, The Fierce Diva Guide to Life]

Part of my problem is that I try to ignore the signs within myself and deny the signs, and then BOOM - I snap.

Fatigue is a huge one for me too. It's amazing how much better I can handle things on a good nights' sleep. And also food.

I can also totally relate to your mixed feelings about needing your time and space but not feeling ready to give your kids up to school. I have those same conflicted feelings!

[Katie E]

I'm glad you're feeling better now. I completely understand those feelings though. I'm struggling with having patience with my oldest right now as she enters the wonderful fun of middle school and all the body changes that are happening right now - and the attitude that comes with it. Not to mention the other two kids. Some days I end the day feeling like I've failed them, but not knowing what else to do because I'm so worn out. And back to school? Definitely not ready!

[Dylan Lin Calista]

I don't think you're the problem.

It's just that some kids pick up on these things while others don't. It doesn't necessarily mean that one failed the other. Kids are just different sometimes but I don't think yours purposely misbehave.

Also, there are days when you can handle it and there are days when you can't - that is normal. So, I think when kids can't 'read' you, they tend to go a gazillion miles an hour still and so that leaves you feeling completely drained.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure there are some great stress busters you can test out for yourself and perhaps a little chat with the kiddos would also help.

My Mom used to say to us...'If I'm angry, don't make me angry because then I'll get angry at you and you'll get upset. You wouldn't it if I made you more upset when you're already feeling bad, right?'

So, what my brother and I usually did when Mom was in her moods was just steer clear and be very quiet lol. It worked.

[Shell]

I've had one of those mornings here. SIGH.

[Paula @ Simply Sandwich]

So sorry you had one of THOSE days. It happens to all of us!

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Instead of focusing on the one bad day, re-direct and embrace the multiple good days with the fam.

Hang in there friend! :)

[Kristen]

Should we just share a therapist? Seriously?! I am at my wit's end lately and I even had a full day off from being a mom last Friday with a girls night out to top it off. Yet, here I sit just ready to blow. I can't do it all and even though I tell myself not to...I keep trying. I feel like I need to shut everything off and I think I may do that. My birthday is on Friday and I think the last post I write this week will be on Wednesday. Then I am going to step away from the computer for a few days. I'm hoping that will be my saving grace.

[hollow tree ventures]

Yes, I often feel like it's me reacting badly to them, but I also think it's true that they're old enough and smart enough to know when they really - really - need to straighten up. Of course if they'd ever just STOP IT the first 500 times I asked, maybe we'd never get to that point!

[John]

I hate that feeling. Often, we have to remind our children that, when the dogs growl, it means that they don't want to play. Every now & then, one of the children will scream bloody murder at a little nip, but, well, the dog's warning was there. They're finally getting the hang of it now.

But, well, I feel like I should, sometimes, growl.

As far as dealing with a parent who was at the end of their rope, I was the oldest of two, and I think I grew up with an uncanny ability to sense when trouble lurked. It's a big part of why I crack wise these days -- if you can disarm a situation with a bit of laughter, well, it makes things easier.

[Recovering Supermom]

Thank you for speaking your truth. You've pretty much spoken mine, and it sounds the same for others, too. This parenting gig is hard. Glad you're feeling better now. :)

[Mary @ A Teachable Mom]

I relate to every word of this. Thank you for sharing the less than perfect stuff too. Here's my two cents: as much as at times I would like my girls to know my signals, I feel blessed that they don't. They don't have to walk on eggshells around me because they aren't terrified of me, even at my worst. I think your kids' obliviousness is a testament to your love, presence and overall parenting and your willingness to share this stuff and take in love and support from other parents. And now I'll step down from my soapbox ... :-).

[AnnMarie]

"But I also don't understand, for the life of me, how they don't recognize the warning signs in a mother who's reached her limit." I don't understand this either. My parents could stop us in our tracks with a look. Mine take the look as a personal challenge to see how much longer before I explode. Glad you are feeling better but wanted you to know when you do have days like that, you are not alone.

[Marie]

I love that you are so honest. Just another reason why I love the power of blogging. You make me feel normal!

God Bless,
M

[Heather]

Oh, we surely have all those days. Then we feel guilty, wonder how we or the kids could prevent it, and it happens again. It's bound to happen when you spend almost all waking moments together!

[Jax]

Fatigue and exhaustion can do that to you. Try and relax. Do you meditate or just don't have the time?? Feel better girl xo

[Robin @ Pink Dryer Lint]

You had me at, "It's important, though, to share some of the hard days."

So, so true. It helps nobody when we appear as if we always have our acts together. (Nobody ever totally does.)

Thanks for your honesty.

[Patricia]

I know just what you mean. Sometimes I'm just so exhausted at the end of the day, and still have work to do like cleaning up from dinner, laundry, etc. When no one helps me, I feel like they should just know how I'm feeling. I love having my family around me, and don't wish my life was any different. At times it would be nice to have just a little, guilt free time alone.

[angela]

Oh Missy! I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker right now, too. And I don't even have actual school looming, just a mess of preschool and activities. I'm glad to read you're doing better, but I absolutely understand.

[Amber]

Everyone feels like this. I so get it!

[Kelly @ Texas Type A Mom]

I think all you can do is try your best.

[Single Mom in the South]

I often wonder the same thing and often ask my children, "What about my tone makes you think I'd be okay with XYZ right now?" I knew with my mom!

I am totally overwhelmed by Back To School... went in today for a meeting. I will be fine once I get back, but right now, I really DO NOT want to go... rich husband, rich husband, where art thou???

[Kate F. (@katefineske)]

I am telling you, a 15 minute afternoon nap (for us parents) solves EVERYTHING :) LOL. Which is exactly what I should be doing right this very minute instead of reading and commenting. (Maybe I have a problem too?)

[Trish]

This parenting gig is hard. And even harder when there are other factors at play. It's not our fault we lose it from time to time. We're only human. And tomorrow is another day.