How Mainstream is Your Mothering?

And it's back.  Today brings the penultimate post of A Literal Mom is Not a . . .

Next week will be the final post in the series.  Then we're off to the next phase of Literal Mom-ness.

And a brief reminder, if you want to know who a Literal Mom IS, click here. 

A Literal Mom is not a Mainstream Mom.

A LIteral Mom might envy a Mainstream Mom a little bit, and feel like she could be one, but she's not totally one of them.

A Mainstream Mom essentially makes her choices based on what everyone else is doing.  This is a little different than the herd mom I talked about a couple of weeks ago.  A herd mom makes choices that her group makes even if she doesn't necessarily think she agrees with them.

A Mainstream Mom looks around and says "what is the majority doing?"  And then does that.  Some examples:

I've heard moms say things like "I'm not sure this school is best for my child, but everyone else seems to think it's ok, so it must be.  And how am I supposed to figure out otherwise?" 

OR

"I don't think my child should do 5 after school activities, but that's what everyone else is doing, so I guess we will too."

In a nutshell, a Mainstream Mom determines that the "right" kind of parenting is what everyone's doing, not necessarily what's "right" for her own child. 

She may wonder why her child struggles with the friends he has, but doesn't see that maybe the circle he's gotten into, while mainstream, isn't in his best interest. 

She may wonder why her daughter's not doing well in school, because "it's a good school system." Though it might not be a school system that works for her. 

It reminds me of Dubrowski's theory of moral development, where he states that most people stop at the stage of moral development where they define their morals by what those around them are doing, even if it's not truly morally correct. 

That's how I define a Mainstream Mom.  Someone who's doing a good job at parenting by defining who she is as a parent by those around her.  But she doesn't really take it to the next level to think for herself and determine her own course of parenting.

A Literal Mom charts her own course of parenting.  She consults the mainstream and if that works, great.  But if it doesn't, she finds what's best for her child (sometimes different things for different children) and then does it.  It separates her from the masses.  Sometimes painfully so. 

Because what's best for the children is not necessarily what everyone else is doing.  Indeed, that kind of thinking has been what's hurt many a child over the years. 

Sometimes it makes her feel like a salmon swimming upstream.  But she can do it - it's for the greater good of her children.

photo credit

Like I mentioned above, a Literal Mom can be Mainstream in some areas, even if not all.  After all, sometimes mainstream is mainstream because it really IS the best way to go.  But sometimes it's not. 

My point is this:  Just because the Today show puts an expert on saying you should do something with your kids to ensure maximum success, don't necessarily take it as the Gospel.  Do your own research.  Chart your own course.  And swim upstream if you have to.  You might be a more tired mama, but your kids will be better human beings, and that's what being a Literal Mom is all about. 

 

Comments

[Theanecdotalbaby.wordpress.com]

I love this post! Your comment "she finds what's best for her child (sometimes different things for different children) and then does it" really hits home for me. It's easy to follow the crowd, but the point is to find what works best for each individual child. Thanks for posting!

[Anastasia]

Sometimes its so hard to ignore the mainstream mom stuff. I question myself, then remind myself that parenting is different for everybody. Good reminder thanks.

[momof12]

I never believe what the experts say. All kids are different. Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment.
Sandy

[chelsea]

I love this! As usual I have a weird twist for an example. I'm usually the mom who goes against the stream...like, my kids can't roam around the neighborhood like the other kids. My 6-year-old can't go to sleepovers. My child was the only one who wasn't allowed to play "scare people while wearing black cloaks and running around in the street in the dark" at a party, even though she is new to town and planned it for a month and really needed to feel like she was in the IN croud. And even though she cried when I put a stop to it. BUT...It goes the other way too. My daughter 9, wanted to put blond hi-lights in her hair. After thinking about it, I realized that the only reason I wouldn't let her was because I knew that the other parents would look down on it! So, I let her. I let her wear her black nail pollish too.

I don't allow them to jump on trampolines, but I do allow my 5, just turned 6 year old to climb trees. She can. She doesn't fall. AND I don't put anyone else down for keeping their 5 year old out of my tree. Or for telling their 9 year old that they don't approve of my daughter's hair and that they have to leave their hair the way it is.

And I don't DARE talk about my problems with the school system..But, it works. I just keep it too myself. I feel lonely a lot. But that's how mom's feel sometimes. That's why we love hearing about other people's parenting styles and challenges on "Literal MOM!"

As for the experts, I always give them a good try. Never hurts to try.

[Lizbeth]

Amen! Finding the best for your child is so different for each child. I have often been the lone dissenter knowing full well I'm not making friends in the process. I am, however, doing what's best for my kids. Thank you for a lovely post.

[Grumpy Grateful Mom]

What an interesting perspective! I think it's easy to base our expectations for our children on the opinions of other moms. I made that mistake last year. I chose a teacher for my child based on raving reviews of other moms. She was a wonderful teacher, but a terrible fit for my daughter.

I completely agree with you! I like occasional advice, but I think each child is so different, that there never is just one perfect path, despite what everyone else will tell you. :)

[Rach B]

This is totally the mom I'm trying hard to avoid becoming. I was doing the whole go-with-the-flow thing b/c that's what was working for my friends. But guess what? It wasn't working for us. So I stopped. And I make my own choices and I'm so much happier.

[ChiMomWriter]

I love this. It's not that it's bad to check in with the mainstream, it just doesn't have to be your Gospel. Love it, love it (and of course, it's easier said than done).

I may need to put this up on my fridge as a reminder.

[Margaret]

'And I don't DARE talk about my problems with the school system..But, it works. I just keep it too myself. I feel lonely a lot. But that's how mom's feel sometimes. That's why we love hearing about other people's parenting styles and challenges on "Literal MOM!"'

Love this! It's so true--I live in a herd mom kind of town and I often feel isolated as well. And, really the only time I kvetch about school is on my blog ;-)

[Margaret]

I'm not mainstream at all when it comes to life here in Podunk--I do feel very salmon-esque! But following my gut, especially when it comes to my kids, hasn't failed me too horribly yet, so I'm sticking with it.

Great post, Missy!