Do You Lie to Your Spouse? Here's Why It's OK - Sometimes

I subscribe to Parenting: The School Years and they had an interesting article in September's issue called What We Don't Tell Our Husbands.

It talks about how we wives often tell yarns, spin the truth and sometimes outright lie to our husbands.  Then it went on to give some areas were Lying is OK and areas where it's a SIGN of TROUBLE (I imagine that phrase has more impact when you say it WITH AN ECHO).  According to the article, here are the:

OK areas to lie: 

• Occasional financial splurge (like, say Sketchers for the kids would be OK, whereas Manolos for me would not?)
• Discipline problems that are handled
• Your weight (duh!)
• Your own "nobody got hurt" goofs (So if I get in a fender bender where nobody got hurt, I don't have to tell?  Sweet.)
• Something he wouldn't get mad about it if he knew
• Friends' secrets (Totally disagree - some of our best conversations arise out of things our friends are doing - that's how we feel good about ourselves!  To all my friends - just kidding.  Your secret is safe with me.)


NOT OK areas to lie: 

• Something about which he has clearly stated views
• Medical issues (who hides medical issues from their spouse?)
• Child's school performance (who hides a child's school performance from their spouse?)
• Anything that has become a pattern (like the month we went to McDonald's 4 times a week because we were trying to collect all the Smurf Happy Meal toys?  Ok, maybe that WAS a bit over the top)
• Anything you have to get the kids to agree not to tell daddy ("Shhh, don't tell Daddy Mommy just had a screwdriver for breakfast" type thing?  Ok, I get that - it would be the opposite in our house anyway - "Shhhh, honey, let's have a mimosa for breakfast and not tell the kids."  We're a team like that.)


Ha, ha aside, let's be honest here.  Because honesty is important in a post about lying.  I appreciate the article, it reduced a lot of my guilt over some of my own little fabrications. Which I'll get to in a minute.

BUT.

Don't we all lie all the time about pretty much everything?  One of the main truths of Literal Mom is to be a thinking parent.  And sometimes being a thinking parent means you think too much and see things for what they really are. 

People - we are a bunch of liars! 

• How do I look?  (Great)
• Do you like my outfit?  (Love it)
• Can you tell I've gained weight? (No, not at all)
• Tell me honestly, did I botch that presentation (No, you killed it - literally)


Part of life is recognizing when lying is B-A-D, Bad because it's going to damage a relationship and when it's G-O-O-D Good because it helps someone through a rough patch or to have a better day. 

I'm not a good liar.  I never have been.  It's one of the reasons I have a "no lying in Casa Literal Mom" policy. 

Except about Santa. 

And the Easter Bunny. 

And the Tooth Fairy. 

I prefer to say "I'm not going to tell you something" because the choice would be a too painful truth rather than a little white lie. That's how I am with the kids at least. 

With me, here are some of my lies to myself:

• This ice cream isn't going to hurt me all summer (I've gained 10 pounds)
• Going to bed at 2am won't hurt me tomorrow (snapping at the kids by noon)
• I don't have time to exercise this summer, but it doesn't matter (actually it does - I was angrier, slower and more tired)

 

photo credit

I don't lie to the Big Man, though.  I don't believe in it.  But here's what I do do (there it is again, no wonder my kids can't stop talking about poop): 

I don't share some things with him.  I don't share some things, he knows I don't share them and I know he knows I don't share them. 

I think it's a normal marital dance. 

I'll use the same example from above - McDonald's.  He hates fried food, Happy Meals, french fries and crap.  I do too!  But I still take the kids there once a week. 

Why? 

Because it makes them happy, it gets me off the hook from cooking on a practice or lesson night and it's convenient.  I just ignore all that bad shit that goes along with it. 

He knows I do this.  I know he knows I do this.  We don't talk about it.  Because it's not something that's going to make or break our marriage or kids.  Get it?

On the other hand, I did get a bit over the top with the whole Smurf toys last month and yes, I'm almost embarassed to say we really were going about 4 times a week.  Call it my competitive edge, but by GOD there were 16 Smurfs, the movie was adorable and we HAD TO HAVE THEM. 

Or let me just speak the truth here - I had to have them. 

Because when I finally shut it down (we did not reach the goal, but I'm ok with it - my therapist and I are working through it), the kids were fine with it.  It was me, people.

 What do Smurfs have to do with lying, you ask?  (Seriously - watch the video.  Who wouldn't lie for those little f*%kers?)

I had to 'fess up to the Big Man.  Why?  Even though I felt embarassed by my their obsession with Smurfs and my their need to have them all, I knew not telling him would be worse.  I couldn't tell the kids to lie about it, and it had become an issue. 

And he took it fine - he's great that way. 

So what's the point today? 

All of this is the long way of me asking you to ask yourself if you are living a lie with your whole life (do you lie about fundamentals) or are you living a life that adheres to your basic values but has some minor omissions thrown in? 

We all lie (or if that makes you feel too icky, I can say "We all omit or spin the truth.").  It's a fact of life.  The important thing is to do it in a way that stays with your core values and keeps your integrity. 

What do you think, my fine friends?  Care to open up about examples in your own life? 

Disclosure:  Parenting: The School Years, McDonald's and Smurfs didn't pay me or sponsor me or send me free stuff to write this post.  Though I wouldn't turn down the Smurfs we don't have yet.  Ok, McDonald's?  Call me.

The real reason I wrote it is because I think the issue is a fascinating slice of married life.  What do you think?

Comments

[Sandra]

I think McDonald's should have paid you because now I'm totally craving a fricken Big Mac AND I so wanted my kids to have all the Smurfs too...and then I found them laying on the front hall table, and I kept saying, "Clean these Smurfs up!" but there the 3 we did get are still there...and what was I saying?...right lying. I think you covered it all very well in this post. Plus you made me laugh in several spots, which goes a long way with me...and I'm not lying about that!...but I do white-lie my hubs about money frequently, like my $150 purse...he thinks it cost $30 at Winners. Liar!

[Anastasia]

I think an important question to ask yourself is why am I lying? I think the intent behind a lie is what can make it an okay one or not.

[Kate F.]

Ok... I think I totally need to check out the Smurf Movie :) Miss those little blue guys!

I loved this post. We all do lie... Spin... Whatever you want to call it. Sometimes you do have to "fib" a bit to get a friend through a rough patch. And there is NOTHING wrong with that! I can kinda fib to get a friend throu a rough patch, BUT I am horrible at lying. Can't do it. Horrible. (Like - don't tell me about a friend's surprise party and then when the friend asks me if I know anything about a "party" for her, think that I can say no... Well, I can say no but it will be TOTALLY unbelievable... Because of my guilty expression)

I love the way you wrote this post. Very interesting and thought provoking!

[Rach B]

Cracking up over the Smurfs! You are hysterical! I'm such a blabbermouth with my husband. I don't really hide much from him. We can be pretty honest with each other, but not to the point where we'd hurt each others' feelings. I think b/c neither of us likes putting up with a lot of crap.

[MidwestMomments]

I am a terrible liar. But I do avoid mentioning certain things that will upset my husband unnecessarily. But I'm 99% sure he knows them anyway. Mostly because he fails to mention things to me, and I know them, too. When you are married to someone, you often know them better than yourself. ;)

[Theanecdotalbaby.wordpress.com]

This is great... I just had a convo w/the hubby about lying. He HATES it. I don't like it either, but like you said, there are times that a little lie isn't going to hurt anyone and is necessary. For instance, there's somewhere you're invited to and you don't want to go. To say, "I don't want to come to your thingy" to the person who invited you would hurt their feelings. So, instead, you say something like "Oh darn, I'd love to come but I have this other thingy." The hubs just doesn't see why you need to lie about it. I'm a pretty straight forward person who tells it like it is, but I do have a heart and sometimes for the sake of saving an important relationship, you lie... ahem, omit the truth. As for lying to my husband, I'm pretty open about everything with him, and he with me. I just can't lie because somehow, it'll come back and bite me... I just can't remember sh*% when it comes to keeping up with lies, or anything else for that matter... but I'm sure there are things I omit like buying a shirt at Target when I went there for shampoo, wipes, and toothpaste.

[Andrea]

i lie a little too often about my financial splurges... but honestly, sometimes it helps me marriage. my husband is of the mind that you should never spend money, ever, and that's just not realistic. so sometimes when I do splurge on myself or the child, I just don't tell him about it.

thanks so much for stopping by during my SITS Day. I hope you will visit again sometime.

[Kimberly]

Yes...the lie that's okay versus the lie that isn't. Deep thoughts. And funny Smurfs. Great post :)

[Melissa]

I love this post. I have been struggling with this since our son was born. I love my Hubs, but he tends to be a little judgmental. When I don't do something the way he would do it, he makes sure to vocalize it. It drives me insane and even though "he didn't mean anything by it," it usually results in a fight. So now I just don't tell him some stuff. Example, I took the baby for drive to get him to nap, even though the Hubs hates it when I do that. So I just stopped telling him and he stopped asking. We both just omit that part of the day from our conversations. Saves a lot of yelling.

[Hopes@Staying Afloat!]

You know...I absolutely SUCK at lying. I probably couldn't do it if my life depended on it. If you are in my life, I tell you what I think. But I'm not mean about it.

Granted, in my house, just like in yours Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are real. But that is mostly because nobody has asked me if they are real or not yet. If they did, I'd tell them the truth.

There is definitely a blurred line between a "white lie" and a flat out lie. Great post!

[Elena]

I agree with one of the comments - knowing the intent. I find that my husband knows me so well that he knows if I'm telling a little white lie so I don't even do it anymore because I know he'll just call me out on it. ;)

[Leo]

No spouse to worry about, but I do find if I lie, it is that of omission, usually with certain family members (the dreaded WMF). I find with those folks, it will be much better for my sanity if I just don't say things. If I'm asked something directly, they get the truth - and only what they asked for. I'll omit those details that I know are going to send a conversation off into the hell of judgement. So sue me.

[StephanieinSuburbia]

Hmmm, we have separate bank accounts so we don't really justify financial purchases to each other. I can't think of anything offhand that I don't tell him. I mean, sometimes when he makes me mad, I choose not to tell him until I decide later if I am still mad or if I was just being over-sensitive. But I am sure to tell all my friends how mad I am. But I think that cooling off period is key for our relationship. Otherwise, I don't really do anything I would need to not tell him.

[Missy @ Wonder, Friend]

I adore this post - mostly because I laughed out loud multiple times (and I needed a good laugh today). Very funny stuff.

But also because it's true: we lie. Whether we mean to - or want to - or not.

I operate very much as you do. I don't endorse lying. But there are omissions and spins that we create, either to make things go smoother with our children or to shield them from information that is too weighty for them to handle just yet. I don't out-and-out lie to my kids (or my husband, for that matter), but I do spin and "explain things creatively and age-appropriately."

As for my husband, I'm sure I've probably omitted things before, but in general I tell him everything. I can't help myself. He's the most honest person alive, and it rubs off on me. Even if I wanted to hide something, I'd end up blurting it out eventually.

[chelsea]

I think my husband would love if I omitted some things..lol Me: "Are you even listening? Do you even care?"

[Amanda]

I really love "the dance of marriage". I think it truly is a dance that spills over to the entire family and a little give (lie) and take (good lie) is important. Thanks for poking a little fun to make it more interesting. Happy Happy Meals ;)

[kyfirewife]

LOVE this post!

{{ stopping by from SITS... and probably hanging around for a while }}

[zeemaid]

I can't lie to my husband. Sure i don't tell him when i ate that last pack of cookies and sometimes I may fudge it a little bit when I might imply that it was the kids and I who polished off the last of the goodies but those are harmless things and not apt to break our marriage. The big things like money I don't think it's fair to lie about. Besides which are money is so tight these days he would pretty much notice if an extra $50.00 disappeared for anything never mind new shoes. And of course.. it's always best to exaggerate whenever it any subject of the "bedroom" comes up. ;) Do all husbands need reassurance on this level? *L*

Happy SITS day!