A New Mom's Honesty

Today I'm thrilled that Rach from Life with Baby Donuts is here at Ask Literal Mom to share some wisdom she's gained as a new mom. 

 

Her words are so true, so spot-on.  I wish I'd had the guts to do this, her advice, when I was a new mom with Big G.  Instead, I became the definition of insanity and did the same thing over and over and over expecting a different result. 

I'm better now (most days). 

And Rach, you will triumph over this first year of motherhood.  It's so hard, but you're doing great.   

Read on.  And then go visit and follow her - she's great.

Step Away From the Books

I am a researcher.  I can spend hours looking for answers and I like finding different points of view to the same question.  I also like instructions.  Perhaps years of schooling and my former job as a CPA trained me to always look for the instructions first.  My job depended on following the rules.  I could rest assured that I would usually find the answer that I was looking for and that 1 plus 1 would always equal 2.

 

So when I got pregnant, I talked to all of my mommy friends and got a hold of every book that I could.  Oh yes, I could do this, I thought to myself.  This all makes perfect sense, easy-peasy.  Are you all laughing right now?

 

I thought I was prepared.  After all, I was armed with "expert" knowledge, right?  So many people told me to follow these books and they seemed to be working out well.  After all, my friends are good parents.

 

My daughter had other plans.  From day one.  She didn't conform to any of those books.  She had her own strong willed personality and her own ideas of how, when and where she wanted to sleep.  I tried to make her do what the books said I ought to be doing.  I pulled my hair out as I desperately read and re-read the chapters that I'd highlighted.  I'd sob to my husband that I did what page 41 said to do but it wasn't working.

 

I was miserable.  And in the process, I probably made my poor baby miserable too.

 

I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong.  I felt like because my daughter wasn't conforming to the books, that I must not be a good mom.  And, dare I say it?  I felt judged by some of the moms who had read the books and made them work for their families.  I felt like they didn't think I was trying hard enough, even though I was working my tail off.

 

And then I got angry. I was livid with those stupid books for making it sound so easy to get a baby to sleep through the night or take naps.  I was angry that they told me not to rock my baby or wait a certain amount of time between nursing.  But most of all, I was angry that I wasn't enjoying my baby.

 

So I did the best thing I could do for us:  I put the books away.  I stopped asking for so much advice.  I still do my research when I have a specific question on anything, but I limit the amount of time I spend looking it up.  I'm careful about who I talk to.  But most of all, I've learned to filter out some of the advice I've gotten and have learned to be open to different ideas about raising my daughter.  After all, she is unique and she's not going to conform to Chapter 2.

 

Recently I received an email from a good friend who just had her first baby.  She's been struggling with a colicky baby, similar to what we went through with Donut.  She was worried that she wasn't "doing it right" because her son wasn't doing what the books promised.  I told her what I wish someone had told me:  Put the books away and listen to your baby.  Do the best you can and take care of you and him.  Everything will be alright.

 

Thanks, Rach!  

 

Comments

[Margaret]

Yes, yes, YES! It took me a bit to realize that the books (and sometimes well-meaning, but unsolicited "friendly" advice) should be looked at like a buffet--take what you want and leave the rest.

[Rach B]

Thanks Missy for having me over here today! I hope that I can help another mom gain more confidence to trust herself. That's a hard lesson to learn!

[Rach B]

That's a great way to look at it--take a little here and a little there. After all, if there was one sure fire way, there'd only be one book!

[Missy]

I love that, Margaret! Such a good way to look at it!

[Missy]

I am so happy to have you, Rach! You ARE inspiring all moms through your journey. And making some of us veterans wish we'd been as open with our fears way back then (way, way, way back then). ;)

[Erin Wallace]

I can't tell you how many parents I had to tell "your baby actually Doesn't come with an instruction manual, but listen close enough and she'll tell you what she wants" when I was a pediatrician. I think books are good to ease fears, but beyond that, you can't expect your baby to do ANYTHING in them!

[story]

Hear, hear. Some books have some nice things, but mostly they just make me anxious.

[Laura]

Rach - you're wonderful. This is so very true. I know I sent you one of those books (I hope I didn't cause any anger) but I also know that I didn't do what the book told me. I tried it once when my family just wasn't ready, so we waited months before trying again. I modified with my baby in mind. For me, motherhood is all instinctual (but you already know that) and sometimes books are just there to support or encourage those feelings that we already believe in your heart is right for our family.

And I agree, you will triumph over this first year of motherhood! xo

[Grumpy Grateful Mom]

I went through a similar experience with my first. I was prepared for a sweet cuddly baby, but that is not what I got! And I felt guilty for being so frustrated. After all, I still only had ONE baby. You would think I would be able to handle that.

If I did talk about it I would often get advice from well-meaning moms with well-behaved kids and the advice wouldn't work.

I now know that every child is so different and there is not just one solution. And, now I can say that my ONE little baby was as hard emotionally for me as my four combined!

[Theanecdotalbaby.wordpress.com]

Wow Rach, I couldn't have said it better myself... I experienced very much the same situation. My first is four months, today actually, and I'm just now learning that while the "experts" offer good guidelines, it's just that, a GUIDELINE. Not everything works for every child. It's been hard though because, like you, I'm used to researching–I'm a writer–and I like a clear plan of action and when things don't go accordingly it's difficult for me to just go with the flow. But, I'm learning that you just have to take the things that work for you and throw out the rest even if some well-meaning person thinks you aren't doing it right. If the child's happy, healthy, and you're sane, then in my opinion, it's working!

[Leighann]

So Very True!
Put the books down and do what comes naturally!
GREAT ADVICE

[Emmy]

Very good advice! Definitely not easy to do but definitely the right thing to do. Rachel is great!

[Runnermom-jen]

Amen, Rach!! Great advice...every single kid is different. I have 4, and what worked/works for one doesn't always work with the others.
Great post :)

[Jenn]

Oh so true! I wish us moms would just go by instinct and do what feels right for us and our kidlets . . . not what others feel is right for us.

The human race has managed to survive a hell of a long time without all of this expert advice but mom's today may not survive it.

[Rach B]

You're so right--you can't expect much from them. After all, your kid isn't reading them!

[Rach B]

They cause me a lot of anxiety too, as you well know!

[Rach B]

No, Laura, your book didn't cause me to get upset at all! By that time, I was already past some of those books and I think we've discussed the one book that angered me the most! Trusting our instincts is so hard sometimes isn't? But I believe that's a gift that God has given us too.

[Rach B]

Exactly--every child is very different. And no one knows them like we do.

[Rach B]

You are absolutely right with that last line--at the end of the day, if our babies are healthy and happy, we must be doing something right!

[Rach B]

Thanks Leighann. It's so much better not reading them!

[Rach B]

Not easy at all, but that's how we all learn, right?

[Rach B]

You are very experienced in this truth. I'm hoping it gets easier with each subsequent child.

[Rach B]

Even our parents didn't read all those books. It's all a marketing scam!

[Bruna]

Yay, for throwing out those books Rach! It's the best thing you could have done. I wish someone would have told me to do the same. No kids are the same. I have three and can vouch that each of them had their own challenges.

Congrats on your guest post!

[Life As Wife]

Anytime I try to change up our routine to match a book or what I "should be doing" it generally all goes to heck in a basket. Then? I go back to what I was doing with little man and all is right with the world!