Literal Mom

Service or Self?

I'm struggling with which is the "right" way to be right now.  Someone devoted to service or someone who devotes time and effort to self?

As I've alluded to a few times, I recently finished a huge service commitment, serving for 2 years as the President of a local Board of Trustees.  

I hope that I accomplished things for the organization.  I hope that I'm leaving it better than when I left it.  

There's no doubt about it - I'm taking things from that service as well - a better ability to lead, better people skills, a finer sense of issue spotting than I already had.  

I'm happy I did it.  Both for me and for the organization.  A place I feel strongly about.  

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A few months ago, I started reading the book, The Artist's Way.  It's all about pursuing your passion and finding your creative "way."  It has an accompanying journal and exercises that you do with each chapter.  

It states, over and over and over, that God actually wants you to devote time to self and pursuing your own passions (or whatever higher power you choose).  He doesn't want you to sink into a land of denial where you do everything for others and nothing to further your own dreams and goals.

The author argues that many artists actually do this as a way to avoid finding their true talent, opportunities and potential.  Essentially a self-sabotage of personal achievement because of fear and self-doubt.

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Yet I sit in church on Sundays and hear, over and over and over, that service is the path to true happiness.  That when you're serving others you are actually creating a better, more meaningful life for yourself.  

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I hear both of these messages, but I can't reconcile it.  

Do we pursue our dreams or do we serve others?  

Do I close myself off to the many service areas I continue to be involved in so that I can further my creative self?

Do we find a balance?  And while I know that's the right answer, what's the balance?  

Is it a percentage?  Is it what feels right?  Is it "a little more me" (for the first time in years) and a "little less for them?"  

I don't have answers today.  And that's frustrating.  I like answers.

Service makes me feel good.  It's incredibly rewarding.  

But service to the point of denying personal growth isn't rewarding.  It's limiting.  And unfulfilling.  And can breed resentment.  

So I ask you - do you serve others?  Is service an important part of your life?  How do you find the balance between service and self?

And note:  I'm not talking about family today.  I'm talking about the time we reserve for our "selves" that's not already devoted to family time.  

Not a lot of hours.  

How do you do it?  

Linking up with Shell and Pour Your Heart Out.

 

10 Must Haves to Be Enough

I love this week's prompt for Just Be Enough - what are your 10 must haves for being enough?

And I decided to do it through posters.  

Why?  Because I'm fun that way.  Enjoy.

#10

#9

#8

#7

#6

#5

#4

#3

#2

#1

Want to make your own Keep Calm posters?  Go here.  Which, incidentally, is the credit link for all of the posters above.  I might do another one that's a little more fun soon - a bunch like my #1 way to Be Enough.  

Keep Calm!  

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Links to posts not related to Be Enough Me will be deleted.

 

 

Lost and Found

Do you lose things very much?

I don't.  Rare, rare, rare is the day I lose something for more than a minute or two.  

Remember when I wrote about my big win from a couple of weeks ago?  

How, because I chose to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a very special picture for a very special place, I had some decisions to make?

 

The truth is that the decision, while gut-wrenching, had already been in the works for awhile.  

Big G made a summer youth acting conservatory and will be performing in 12 shows at the end of the summer.  It's an exciting (and long awaited if I'm being honest) time for us.  

And she'll be rehearsing all summer long, beginning June 25th.  

Anyone see where this is going yet?  Stay with me.

In order to get cast "properly," she has to prepare for her first week of rehearsals. Including preparing a different song than the one she auditioned with and memorizing a 1 minute monologue.  

Wha? 

Like a monologue she makes up?  Or one already written?  Hamlet's monologue is the only one I can think of and that's probably inappropriate.  Do you Google "one minute monologues for 10 year olds trying to score a lead in the play?"  

Anyhoo.

I (sadly, sadly, insert past tense here) was planning to attend my VERY FIRST blog conference June 21-24th.  Type A.  

I'd already made plans to totally hang out with some of my online crushes - Shell, Ashley, Elena, Tracy.

And then I bought that picture.

And then I needed to pay for that picture.  

And then I thought about how I couldn't go away from Big G the weekend before her rehearsals began.

I couldn't.  

No matter how much I wanted to go to my first blogging conference.  And I wanted it to be Type A.  I'd heard so many good things about it.

But we have rules here.  

Family first is rule #1.

And rule #2?  When Missy goes crazy and spends triple the amount she went into an event intending to spend (no matter how good the cause), the money has to come from somewhere.  That's loosely paraphrased and possibly even made up just for this situation, by the way.

Because we don't have a money tree in the backyard (dammit).  

So my first blogging conference will have to wait.  

Because my 10 year old needs her mother.  

And I have a new picture.  

 

Anyone want my Type A ticket?  I can sell it to you.  Contact me at literalmom@gmail.com

 

Yep. I DO Judge and I'm Not Sorry for it

All of this fury around the Time magazine front page.  

And I get it.  No one likes their mothering called out as sub-par.

I know I don't.  (Which is why my heart secretly bleeds when the kids tell me I'm the worst mom ever or accuse me of loving one of them more than the other.)

But you know what?

I don't care if you:

* breast feed or bottle feed (I've done both);

* breast feed in public (I eat in public too);

* forget to brush your hair or teeth in the morning (right there with you);

* work outside the home;

* breast feed until your child is 10 (I may not watch you though);

* free-range your kids;

* help them with their homework;

* show up at Target dirty and with spit up on you;

* move the clocks up when your kids are young enough not to know any better;

* tell your kids they can't get out of bed until a certain time;

* cheer the loudest at the soccer field;

* can't come to the soccer game because you're too busy with something else;

* wish you never had to go to another soccer game as long as you live, but go anyway;

I don't care about any of that.  

You do what you have to do to be a Mom.  I know I do.

You know where I'm judging you though?  And I'm not the least bit apologetic about it?

When I hear you throw your kids under the bus every time I see you.  

* When I don't even know you, yet you talk to your friend in the waiting room about the messes that your kids are so loudly we can all hear you;

* When your kid walks out of her appointment to you and you literally roll your eyes at her saying, "took long enough," as you then whisper to your friend "see what I mean?"; 

* When you tell your friend "my kids won't listen to a word I say" while your kid plays at your feet internalizing every word you say;

* When you share every detail of a text message in the waiting room from your "crazy" sister loudly enough that everyone can hear.

Can you tell I'm having waiting room issues right how?

There's a whole lot of ways to mother and for the most part I am supportive of every single one of them.

The one mothering technique I'm NOT supportive of is the one where you act like your kids aren't real live human beings deserving of respect, just like you think you deserve.  

We all struggle with our children.  There are days we all want to stand on a chair and scream "NO ONE SEES ME AND HOW HARD THIS IS!"  

But when you take it into a public place and talk about it with them right there, right there NEXT TO YOU, listening to YOU . . . yes, I judge.  

If you need to vent that badly (and we all do), start a blog.  Hire a therapist.  But don't damage your kid's self-esteem just because you need to repair your own.

Just.  Don't.  

So yes, I judge.  And I'm not sorry.

May Memories Captured - Silly Days

Sometimes silly IS ok!  (It has been this Spring, that's for sure!)

What Would You Say to Your 18 Year Old Self?

I'm honored to appear today at Chosen Chaos, sharing wisdom with my 18 year old self.  

But the truth is, I'm not sure I have that much wisdom to give to myself.  

All roads led me to here - even when I was 18 and an idiot.  

But I did think of a couple of nuggets I'd tell myself, and I'd love it if you came and visited.  

While you're there, check out Jamie's site - she's a wonderful woman and someone I'm so happy I've come to know through blogging.  

No Guarantee

A 19 year old boy died recently.  

He was the valedictorian of his class and attending a good college, majoring in engineering as a Freshman this year.  

It was a freak accident involving lifting weights.  

Struck down prematurely with an entire life ahead of him.  

And it's, in many ways, struck me down.  

Because sometimes it all feels like such a crapshoot.  

All of this worry over my kids.  

All of these attempts to loosen the leash a little bit more every day, while teaching them how to be adults in the world.  Eventually.

All of this love I pour into everything I do for them.  

All of these things we do to "do the right thing," "live a good life," "be the best person we can be."

There are no guarantees in life.  

Despite all the planning in the world, it can all end tomorrow, or even today.  

Because your stupid hand slips on a stupid bench press and the stupid weight falls and breaks your neck.  

I'm almost 100% sure I wouldn't want to know the future if I could.  But when something like this happens, it makes me get angry.  

At all the time I waste doing things I don't want to do because I'm "supposed to," or because "I can't say no to someone," or because "that's what society tells me is the right thing to do."  

Living in the moment.  

Right here.  Right now.  

Every single day.  

Because crazy, bad, awful shit happens sometimes and there's no way you can prepare for it.  

I used to think the phrase "live like today is your last day" meant go all out, eat cake, drink a toast or 3, dance all night and generally don't play by the rules.

And I, for the most part, like to play by the rules.  

But when the universe breaks the rules and kills a kid so randomly and suddenly, with no advance warning?

It makes me want to live like today is my last.  

By loving my kids better, worrying a little bit less about their buffoonery, spend a little more time with my husband than with my computer on my lap, extend a kindness to a stranger, give the homeless panhandler in the grocery store a couple bucks instead of turning my back and walking away, eat some cake, stay up later than I should writing letters to those I love, lie down with my dammed 4 year old if she's scared instead of trying to get away from her to get "my time," take a vacation, and say YES to myself instead of everyone else.

For once.  

No, not for once.  

For every day.

 

My Dream Day

I've thought about how to describe my dream day for Just Be Enough's prompt this week.  I've been tempted to do a "timeline approach" where I talk about what a dream day makes from sun up to sunset.  

But after being on a whirlwind of days from the last 8 days, I recognize this:

 My dream day has less to do with something specific, and more to do with a series of "dreamy traits" that make up a great day.

So here goes - The Literal Mom Dream Day - qualities I look for.

• sleeping past dawn
• kids waking up without needing to jockey for mom's attention
• having no morning meetings (I hate morning meetings)
• eating lunch out 
• exercising with the Big Man 
• not having to deal with crazy drivers
• having the kids not bicker with each other
• getting to do a happy hour on a patio somewhere
• getting kids to bed with no callbacks or bedtime battles
• watching evening TV shows with no laptop on my lap
• going to bed in the sweet spot - not too early, not too late
• sleeping all night with no wake ups

You notice that nothing in my dream day has to do with a destination, vacation, date night, clubbing it, or generally "getting away from it all."

I've been away from my kids for 8 nights in a row.  I've had to rush out of the house with homework still to be done, battles still to be fought and bedtimes still to be handled.

I had a great time the last 8 days.  Awesome, really.  

But I realize today that real dream days have less to do with the WOW and more to do with the reliability of stability, low stress, family time, and low obligations.

Those are my dream days.  And it's easy to say it today because I'm so thankful to have a breather this week to enjoy my life.  

You might want to check back in with me mid-summer when I've had days and days in a row of low stress and low obligations.  I may think "getting away from it all" is a little dreamy at that point.

Because our dreams change constantly don't they?  

We hope you will read, comment, link up,
and explore the stories of others who have linked.

When linking up, please show some JBE love and link back to us
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Prompt for next week: Write a letter to yourself at age 16

 

 

Ask Literal Mom - Bedtime Fears

Occasionally I have my own questions about children what it takes to raise them.  And today I'm thrilled to have the phenomenal Dr. G answer a question of mine about Little Iggy's bedtime fears.  If you don't know Dr. G yet, head over to her site and get to know her - she's such a valuable online resource.  She has her medical degree, combined with the real experience of having 4 of her own children.  I am so happy to have found her!  And her answer to my issue below brought tears to my eyes.  

You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter too!

Dear Doctor G:

 I have a problem with my 4 year old.  She is getting increasingly fearful at bedtime and throughout the night and it's disrupting our sleep terribly.  About 1 month ago, she switched to a "big girl bed."  Since then, she's started panicking at bedtime about being left alone in her room when I say goodnight and waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes multiple times, worried about criminals getting into the house and stealing her.  Her sister is 6 years older than her, so sometimes she's exposed to higher level conversations than most 4 year olds.

I've tried to be sympathetic because I can tell these are very real fears.  In other words, these are not ploys.  It is true panic.  

I've talked through the issue with her multiple times.  I brought up her crib mattress and put it by her big girl bed in case she needs to get into it and feel more secure at night.  I've set up several "guardian animals" around her bed (stuffed animals) to protect her.  She has two nightlights in her room - one that is on a timer that I put on her bed so she can turn it on in the middle of the night if she wants.  I've given her a flashlight to have in her room.  I lie with her at night to "cuddle" for 10-15 minutes to give her one-on-one time with me.

What I've NOT been willing to do so far is lie with her until she falls asleep, have her sleep in my room or sleep in her room with her.  

Nothing is helping over the long term.  She may go a night or two when we have a new thing to make her feel safe, but the fears come back and they seem to come back more strongly than before.  And if I'm being honest, this has been going on longer than the arrival of the big girl bed.  It's just increased significantly since the big girl bed went up.

It's very frustrating.  While I'm very sympathetic to her fears, we are all losing too much sleep.  Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,

Sleep Deprived Like There's a Newborn in the House

Dear Sleep Deprived:

It sounds very much like your daughter is experiencing a specific anxiety. This is pretty common for kids in the preschool years. First let me explain why that is.

When children are very small they are not usually scared of abstract ideas. On the other hand, a person dressed as a huge parrot at an amusement park, or a vacuum cleaner can send them into hysterics. As kids mature at little, and learn that something can seem scary but be safe, they also internalize the opposite message: some things that seem safe or have been safe so far, might not be in the future.

Preschoolers also start to separate fantasy from reality. This is a great and necessary developmental stage, but leads to the harsher reality of illness, disaster and crime that live in the real world. The last difficulty of this newfound maturity is that our parenting words of reassurance just don’t help as much as they used to! “Everything will be OK, I promise,” still sounds comforting but the child is realizing that her parents can’t actually control everything.

So, what to do?

You have already taken several of the steps I would recommend (but don’t give up, I have a couple of ideas). I’m going to list them out so they are clear for other parents who might find themselves in this same situation.

1. Ask your daughter about her fears. The more she is able to verbalize her anxieties, the less they are likely to grow.
2. Offer reassurances that are true. “We are here to protect you.”  “Our house is very safe.” “That has never happened to someone in this town/neighborhood/area.”
3. Ask your daughter what will help. A stuffed animal, a picture of you, a night light, a favorite book – security objects are safe and normal.
4. Don’t punish her for her fears. If she is voicing more and more fears, getting herself worked up then give her a certain amount of time at the beginning of bedtime to express her concerns, but limit it. THEN read the bedtime story or something else distracting.
5. Let her journal. This is a very effective tool used by lots of child mental health professionals. Children as young as 3 or 4 can draw pictures in a book or write a few words to represent their fears. This “putting” their fears somewhere concrete can help to “take them out” of their own heads.
6. Offer to hold your daughter’s worries for her. This is a technique that works really well for many anxious kids. Children often believe that the worrying somehow protects the family and if the child stops worrying something might happen. The child decides what is worrying her that night, and you accept those worries, saying, “OK, you can sleep. I’ll worry about this for you tonight.” 
7. Stick to your guns about not creating habits you don’t want to have to change later. 

This is likely the sign of a really smart kiddo. If you notice that worrying is a pattern for your child, it is a great idea to get a mental health professional involved. It is not appropriate or necessary to look for a diagnosis or name the problem, but some play therapy might help her learn to put her fears in perspective.

 

 

 

Soul Food - Wordless Wednesday